June 3, 2024 Reflections

Today I am reflecting on anniversaries.  When life throws us into chaos, we go into survival mode and focus on what the next best thing to do to get through is.  

We move through life day by day and when that is too hard, hour by hour or even minute by minute.  It's only when the chaos settles that we realize what we have actually overcome and stand in awe of the surrealness of the whole situation.  

My first experience of this was coming back after the pandemic.  Coming from the state where it started, we shut down first and came back last.  I still have moments where I pause and think back in wonder pondering “wow, I can't believe that really happened.”

Since April 17th 2023 I have been thrown into chaos with the words “It's very likely you have cancer” which on May 5th became “you have cancer.”

June 1st marks one year since my surgery.  One year since I lost one of the defining features of being a woman, the very things that nurtured my 3 kids.  One year since my body was rid of cancer.

I've been reflecting a lot on all that has happened in the last year.

27 blood draws, 50 doctor visits, 13 medications and supplements, 3 surgeries, 4 biopsies, 3 CT Scans, 2 ultrasounds, 2 echocardiograms, 4 shots, 14 Physical therapy appts, 16 cycles of chemo, 30 radiation treatments, 3 medical procedures, and countless hours of worry.  

But also:

25 MHFA community classes, 4 mental health related presentations, 26 3 Day Instructor Trainings, 1 MHFA summit, 1 NT meet up, 1 county fair, 3 T & J craft shows, 1 trip to Disneyland, 1 trip to San Antonio, 1 class at Holden Village (most remote place in Continental US), multiple trips to the beach (Seaside, West Port, Long Beach), 1 trip to Leavenworth (Christmas town), 1 4H Animal Show, 1 breath taking viewing of the Aurora Borealis, countless visits to Farmers Markets and Craft Shows (we love buying home made and local),and a new Lego building hobby (I have almost as many Lego as my kids because building is great for neuropathy and fun).  

One thing I decided when I was diagnosed is that I was not going to let my life revolve around cancer.  Cancer and it's treatment was a new part of my life but it was going to have to fit into my life.  

This meant advocating for myself and sometimes being the “difficult” patient as I insisted on scheduling appointments and treatments so that they had the least amount of disruption to my life.  It meant carefully tracking side effects and determining what side effects were tolerable and what side effects to manage with meds that cause more side effects.  It meant being proactive and working to improve bigger more long term side effects before they could become more severe.

Getting through the last year meant continuing to live my life. 

I moved slower, leaned on my husband more, sometimes used a cane and rested more but I did it all.

It all feels surreal.  This year has gone by simultaneously so slow and so fast. I've been blessed by amazing friends and family who support, love, motivate and encourage me.

I'm learning to manage the side effects of my new meds that I am on for the next few years and gradually finding my way back to feeling like myself again while learning to accept that I will never be quite like I was before all this.

This month I teach my first full day in person class in over a year.  Keep moving forward, onward and upward.